Welcome to Jokes
A Blond Joke
A blonde goes into a shop and points to the thing in the corner and says, can I have that tv over there?
The shopkeeper says, no cus ur blonde.
Then she dyes her hair black and goes into the shop and points to the thing in the corner and says, can I have that tv over there?
The shopkeeper says no cus ur blonde.
Then she dyes her hair brown and goes into the shop and points to the thing in the corner and says, can I have that tv over there?
The shopkeeper says no cus ur blonde.
She says how do you know that I'm blonde?
He says, thats a microwave!
A Restaurant Joke
Customer: Waiter, is there soup on the menu?
Waiter: No, I just wiped it off.
Political Humor
The Latest From Late Night Comedians
Jay Leno: "A security guard at the airport actually let the tuberculosis guy come back into the country because the guard thought he looked okay. He's on a quarantine list, and the guard said he looked okay. They find an extra ounce of shampoo in my carry-on bag -- 'Hey! Hey! Hey!'"
Jay Leno: "There are three new books out this week about Hillary Clinton, one for each of her positions on the Iraq war."
David Letterman: "The authorities busted up that plot, they were going to blow up the pipeline to JFK.... It turned out the guys doing it "were homegrown terrorists".... Who says President Bush hasn't created new jobs?"
David Letterman: President Bush's "approval rating is very low.... Right now, he's less popular than that tuberculosis guy."
Conan O'Brien: President Bush "met with the Czech Prime Minister Mirek Topolanek. Or, as Bush likes to call him, 'Hey, Slugger.'"
Craig Ferguson: "The Democrats had a big debate last night. Hillary Clinton and John Edwards got into a heated argument about foreign policy, and then had slap-fight over who has prettier bangs. Of course, Edwards won."
Polish Joke
Here's a joke-in appropriately poor taste - for today.
The customer asks: "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
If I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you? Would you?"
The clerk says, "Well, no!"
"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't!"
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."
Language Barrier Joke
A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come togeder. I come once-a-more! Two asses, dey come togeder again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul-mouthed, sex-obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country, we don't speak aloud in pubic places about our sex lives."
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'ma just tellin' my friend how to spell Mississippi."
Misc. Jokes
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boome rang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef. Can you pea soup?
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.
23. Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
24. Why did the bubblegum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chickens foot.
25. Why did the chicken cross the playground?
The answer is To get to the other slide. Return To Top Of Page
Religious Humor
(THE PASTOR'S ASS was sent to someone by a good church member.)
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor
not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the ad lines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . .
being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery ... even shorten your life
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's arse and you'll be a lot happier and live longer! Return To Top Of Page
Bible Jokes
He yelled, "Help! Is there anyone up there?" and a voice from the Heavens whispered, "Let go of the branch and I will ease you to the ground safely and unharmed."
He surveyed the clouds and saw no one. He surveyed the 1000 foot drop below, looked up again and asked, "Is there anyone else up there?"
Who was the greatest female businessperson in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh’s daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet. (profit)
When was meat first mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Noah took Ham into the ark.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
A. As long as he was Abel.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A. A little before Eve.
Why did God create Adam first?
A. Because He didn’t want any advice on how to do it.
Where is the first math homework problem mentioned in the Bible?
A. When God told Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply.
Why did Noah have to punish and discipline the chickens on the Ark?
A. Because they were using “fowl” language.
Where is medicine first mentioned in the Bible?
A: When God gave Moses two tablets.
What’s the best way to study the Bible?
A: You Luke into it.
What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. He was Ruthless.
What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Who was the greatest investor in the Bible?
A. Noah: He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home. (literally).
Which servant of God was the biggest lawbreaker (sinner) in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once. (throwing the stone tablets)
Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan the banks were always overflowing.
Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Which Bible character had no earthly parents besides Adam and Eve?
A. Joshua, son of Nun. (None)
Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.
Offering
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good! The preacher said, thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity. The man said, I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate! The preacher said, No shite? Return To Top Of Page
The "P" Word
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem. The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. Gee, Mom, he exclaimed. For me? Just take two, Brenda replied. The rest are for your father.
COP jokes
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour,
sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise
control at 60. Perhaps your radar gun is wrong. Now,
looking up from her knitting the wife says:
"Now don't be silly dear. You know that this car
doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks
over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep
your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be
thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the
illegal radar Detector unit, the man glowers at his
wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit, woman,
can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're
not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic
$75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had
it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that
I could get my license out of my back pocket." The
wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you
didn't
have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt
when you're driving."
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does
your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
I love this part....She answers, "Only When He's Been
Drinking."
A guy passes a State Trooper doing 75 MPH. So the trooper puts
on his red lights and pulls behind him. The guy sees the police car
n the rear view mirror and starts speeding up 80, 85, 90, 95 but it's
no use he can't lose the officer. He notices in the the mirror now
that there are 5 cars chasing him at 95mph and finally he decides to stop.
AS the officer approaches the driver he asks for his license and registration.
The cop says to him " I was only going to pull you over and give you a warning
to slow down. Why didn't you just pull over, Now you are going to be arrested."
The guy replies "Well Officer you see 3 years ago my wife left me for a state
trooper and I haven't seen her since.' So the now confused officer asks "Well
what does that have to do with me?" The man answers "I thought you were him
trying to bring her back." Return To Top Of Page
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